


Brooklyn Dangerous

by useyourtelescope



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:13:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22605301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/useyourtelescope/pseuds/useyourtelescope
Summary: Kevin, this is your husband, Raymond Holt calling. We require your assistance with a case. Please come to my office at the Nine-Nine at your earliest convenience.
Relationships: Background Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt - Relationship, Kevin Cozner & Jake Peralta, Ray Holt & Jake Peralta
Comments: 30
Kudos: 307
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	Brooklyn Dangerous

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brutti_ma_buoni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brutti_ma_buoni/gifts).



> Set somewhere in late season 5, post 5.15 The Puzzle Master, but before 5.22 Jake & Amy.
> 
> This little fic was inspired by your prompt of Kevin “consulting for the NYPD (super reluctantly, I’d imagine)". I hope you enjoy it!

_Kevin, this is your husband, Raymond Holt calling. We require your assistance with a case. Please come to my office at the Nine-Nine at your earliest convenience._

Unsure of what to expect after such a voicemail, but equally certain his husband would not elaborate further over the phone, Kevin arrived at the Nine-Nine feeling a mixture of trepidation and curiosity. Anything that required his assistance must be of such a specialist nature that he could not help being intrigued, despite his reluctance to engage in police matters.

“Kevin, thank you for coming on such short notice,” Raymond said as Peralta shut the door to the office behind him.

“It sounded urgent,” Kevin replied, warily eying the gleam in Peralta’s expression.

“Can I tell him?” Peralta said eagerly, hovering by Kevin’s side.

Ignoring this, Raymond explained, “We need your specialist knowledge to solve a case.”

Trying not to let himself be distracted by Peralta’s sudden pacing behind him, Kevin said, “You have a case involving classical texts?”

“I only wish it were that straight forward,” Raymond lamented.

Kevin frowned. “Works of art then?”

“I’ll say!” Peralta exclaimed from behind him, startling Kevin.

Raymond sighed. “Kevin, I’m afraid someone is trying to draw the attention of a particular celebrity who will be in New York next week. The perpetrator began by merely painting what Jake has informed me are notable scenes from this actor’s most lauded works –“

“You take that back!” Peralta said, his pacing coming to an abrupt stop.

Raymond halted his explanation to turn his attention to Jake. “Extolled?” he offered.

“How dare you!”

“Commended?”

Peralta softened then. “Not nearly enough, but continue.”

Looking back to Kevin, Raymond resumed, “We have reason to believe these acts of vandalism will escalate into more dangerous crimes. In short, we must find the perpetrator before anyone gets hurt.”

“Because…” Jake prompted.

“Oh, yes,” Raymond said. He paused deliberately, in that way that meant Raymond was either about to deliver an absolutely devastating line, or he was trying to remember something. He held his glasses aloft as he stared at Kevin to say in perfect seriousness, “We don’t want to end up with a real-life Off Face scenario.”

“Face/Off!” Peralta yelled. “ _Face/Off_ scenario! It was two words, Captain! You totally blew the Nicholas Cage reveal for Kevin – Cheddar would be disappointed in you.”

Raymond sent a withering glance in Jake’s direction, which he immediately conceded to.

“Too far? I sensed that.”

Too astonished to process this revelation, Kevin had remained silent, his eyes darting between the two.

“I can sense your astonishment, Kevin,” Raymond correctly interpreted.

“Raymond, I cannot believe this is real.”

“I know. I had to pinch myself,” Peralta said, the puppy-dog levels of excitement returning to his expression as he bounced rather than walked across the office again. Though perhaps that wasn’t an adequate descriptor. Even as a pup, Cheddar had comported himself with far more restraint.

“Tell me this is one of your famous pranks,” Kevin pleaded with his husband. “Perhaps a precursor to the next Halloween heist?”

Raymond was solemn in his response. “I am afraid not, Kevin. Detective Peralta has been assigned as lead detective on this case since he is so…knowledgeable on the subject.”

“I know you mean that as an insult, but I’m just going to let that sink in,” Peralta said, clearly holding back emotion.

“But due to the time pressures of this case,” Raymond continued, “he needs assistance to wade through the myriad of possibilities. It seems Mr. Cage’s work is quite prolific.”

“Surely there is someone else on the police force who can do this.”

“Sergeant Santiago and some of her officers have provided assistance, but I am afraid their experience of Mr. Cage’s back catalog is not sufficient enough to combat the scale of the problem.”

“They haven’t lived and breathed Nicholas Cage the way we have,” Peralta explained.

“This is too much, Raymond.”

“I know, Kevin, and I would not blame you for refusing, but the press has gotten hold of this story. It is vital that we take care of this matter as swiftly as possible.”

Of course, it was. Raymond was under even more scrutiny than ever now he was up for the Commissioner’s job. A case like this was bound to get media coverage.

“What would be required of me? I won’t have to,” Kevin paused to repress a shudder, “watch the films again, will I?”

“I pray it will not come to that.”

“Honestly though,” Diaz said derisively, as she set a box of files down heavily on a table in the meeting room. “Of all the celebrities to try to impress, they picked _Nicholas Cage_?”

“Hey!” Peralta exclaimed at her retreating back. “He’s voiced Superman _and_ Spider-Man! That’s across universes, Rosa!”

“Whatever.”

Kevin stared at the evidence piled up before them, already regretting his acquiescence.

“Do you want anything from the vending machine before we start?” Peralta offered.

“Raymond said he would return with a plain scone.”

“Cool. Amy got me snacks too,” Peralta said, holding up what Kevin could only describe as a monstrosity of candy, the lime green bag filled with the most garish looking sweets he had ever seen.

He could not hold back his grimace and returned his gaze to the folder before him, flipping the file open to be greeted with the even more monstrous sight of a homemade Nicholas Cage mask donned atop a store mannequin.

“I suppose you can’t be thrilled to be working with me,” Peralta said, somewhat glumly, taking a seat next to him.

“Strangely that is the least horrifying part of this entire situation.”

“Aww.” Peralta grinned, throwing some of the candy into his mouth. “You could just say that you missed me.”

Kevin would say no such thing.

“To be honest,” Peralta continued, “when Holt was telling you about the case, part of me thought you’d be Gone in Sixty Seconds.”

Kevin sighed and accepted his fate. “I try not to Drive Angry.”

“ _Yesssssss_!”


End file.
